It was summer of 2008. My friend from US, while discussing books, suggested that I read Twilight which was heading NY Times bestsellers since its release. According to her, it was the ‘avant-garde’ work of modern times. Those were the times of Orkut and sanity. The country was yet to import and witness the hype and mania surrounding the saga. Local bookstores were oblivious to the series but the store I patronized, promised me a copy in about ten days. Twenty days later, I had an overpriced imported copy of the book. The cover looked aesthete with a pair of hands holding a neat-fresh red apple in cusped palms over a complete black background. The title - twilight and author’s name – STEPHNIE MEYER were embossed in white at the top and bottom of cover respectively. Pages and fonts reminded me of cheap copies of pulp literature.
Long story cut short: the protagonist, a timid teen girl with ‘family-issues’ moves out to a new place and discovers that her ‘soul-mate’ is a vampire. A wolf-pack is touted against the vampire family to entwine the plot in later sequels. Apparently, the favorite pastime of all the characters in the saga is to protect the half-wit girl who has all the baddies vying for her blood. The writing was prosaic at best with irritating biblical undertones.
No hard-feelings towards Stephnie Meyer till then. But one day, they come up with a movie by the same name. All characters that came alive on the screen were necessarily beautiful and terribly incompetent as actors. The suave vampires had their faces and bodies painted white. The wild and brutal wolf-pack was characterized by their six-pack abs. Rob Pattinson, the chief vampire protagonist, who did the commendable job of maintaining a single grinning-cum-snaring expression throughout the movie, was giving Bills and Boon a run for their money. He was only overreached by Kristen Stewart, the female lead, who achieved the double feat of simultaneously fidgeting her hair while giving her signature constipated look and acting as dumb as she could.
And guys had a tough life. Girls went frenzy and copies of saga became their cult accessory. (Most of them, in their lives, had not read anything beyond Chacha Choudhary). Every girl-profile I trawled on Orkut would depict the love for Twilight. Dating standards went all time high. Every girl at campus grew smugger and meaner. Although, the saga emphasized the importance of having a boyfriend, anyone less than an immortal would not do for them. The girl I was dating suggested that I get a ‘Rob-cut’ (Yes! The first time I heard that word, I felt something inside my guts wanting to scream!) Damn Twilight. Damn Hollywood. Damn globalization. And yes, damn MTV movie awards as well! (All rich and dumb kids in West vote for it!) So, when this friend of mine, with her unfading excitement for the saga, mentioned how the lead protagonists are getting married in the next sequel, a thought ran down my mind. Bollywood can befittingly reply to the torture of Twilight and excel at that. All we need is a KJo.
If KJo were to make a remake of Twilight, the movie would be named either ‘Kuch Kuch Twilight hai’ or ‘Kabhi Vampire Kabhi Wolf’. He’d properly buy the rights for the remake rather than just remaking. And no prizes for guessing who the male protagonist will be: Shahrukh Khan. Of course he’s busy with his superhero commitments, but he can’t say ‘No’ to a KJo project and those who have watched the visual torture of Twilight can assure you; a vampire is no less than a superhero. And we all know how well Shahrukh can pull off the character of a student. Any of the KJo’s actresses can be cast as the female lead. They all look more or less dumb, but I think Kajal, dancing in the rain in a white saree, will add a new dimension to the character of Kristen Stewart while seducing the wolf-pack. Finding a wolf-pack would not be a major headache for KJo. New gen Hindi actors compensate for their acting skills with their six-packs. But obviously it will be a casting coup if KJo could persuade Salman Khan to enact the role of Taylor Lautner. It will be interesting to watch the Khan rivalry flame the silver screen. And man! He’s without his shirt all the time. The role of the aloof cop-cum-father should go to Big B. Of the baddies, I so much see (or want to see) Mallika Sherawat play the role of Victoria.
Obviously the story would be set in Switzerland and opening shot will depict Shahrukh, playing a violin and subsequently stretching his arms, waiting eternally for his true love. Contrary to Robert Pattinson, he can have as many expressions as he want on his face. The viewers will be free to choose the one they like and ignore the rest. Biology lab would replace classes on literature. (Of course the ones those teach the meaning of love) And songs choreographed by Farah Khan would see books and sarees flying. The Main Hoon Na prom dance can be re-enacted at the end before the credits roll.
With my limited knowledge from the one book I read, and one movie and few trailers I saw, this is all I see KJo doing. Of course with his creative freedom, he’ll stretch this by too far. The movie will surely be a hit in NRI strongholds (Indian audiences are getting too critical of Shahrukh these days) and Shahrukh will get another Filmfare for best actor. (Of course they’ll make him cry in the movie)
Post Scripts:
I would like to leave the portrayal of the marriage sequence to your imagination.
I am a die-hard Shahrukh fan!
© Rakesh 2011
