“There Are No Mango Trees along the LoC”

His sons did not listen to him. He would plead Bashrat every month and Saqib every other, as they took turns to take care of him in his last days, to take him back home.

“I’ve to refurbish the interiors of John & King gallery in West London next week. The firm will recommend my name for lifetime-membership of Royal Society of Architects if they like my work,” Bashrat would say.

“The molar-surgery of Mr. Neville Hitchkraft is scheduled this Friday. He’s a former Labour Party MP from Manchester,” Saqib would argue.

His memory was betraying him but the images of Firozpur, his white-painted home, and childhood afternoons spent under the mango-garden, survived.

And finally, one day, after seventy two years and five months and twenty-one days after Abdul Ali first left India — on a ship from Bombay to London with the help of a Parsi gentleman, Faramroz Wadia, to study Law — his soul abandoned his body. And against his wishes, they buried him not in Firozpur, the homeland of his ancestors in India, but thousands of miles away, uprooted and exiled in London.

His soul swam across the Atlantic for thirty days, wandered across the Sahara for a year, before sympathetic djinns showed him the right directions, braved the black-magic of gypsies in Arabia for sixteen months, and coiled itself in a corner of an unoccupied cabin; on a ship to Bombay from Aden. Its resolution to see its homeland and its mango-garden helped it survive all those adversities. In Bombay, it overheard and followed a Sikh family; journeyed with them in an overnight train to Amritsar. Overjoyed, it was the first to jump off the train before the train halted completely. It ran as fast as it could for the next three hours before it reached Firozpur.

The Sun was high and the town was abandoned. Its eyes looked for the mango-garden, where it was to spend each of its forthcoming day and night. But there was no mango-garden. Instead, there was a barbed-fencing on both sides as long as it could see. There were tanks and cannons, and men with guns patrolling on each side.

To its shock, it saw several of its kind: souls of the dead in-between the two fences; in no man’s land. They were laughing and celebrating. They were cheerful and loud. They seemed happy and content. They belonged to no country. They saw it and they knew it existed. They called it over and asked it,

“What do you look for?”

And after two years and five months and seven days, Abdul Ali’s soul spoke for the first time,

“Where are my mango-trees?”

They all looked at each other and then at him before an old-man’s soul answered,

“There are no mango trees across the LoC. Years after you left they divided this country. Hindus and Muslims…”

“Yes. I know that,” Abdul Ali’s soul screamed, “I know all of that.” It almost cried.

“Some religion-fanatics came that day,” the old man’s soul continued with coldness, “and they argued if the trees were Hindus or Muslims; that they should remain in India or go to Pakistan. They asked the branches, the leaves, and the fruits, to what religion they belonged, but none would answer. They would come every day to shout and curse, but the trees would not answer. And one night, someone burned the trees.”

“They burned my trees?! They killed my trees? The only reminiscence of my childhood!” Abdul Ali’s soul shrieked with a pain that penetrated the calmness of the dead. The Sun dimmed in brightness and the wind stopped blowing. And the soldiers patrolling across the border felt restless.

“Next morning there was a massacre. The Hindus accused Muslims. The Muslims accused Hindus. The Hindus killed Muslims. The Muslims killed Hindus. The Hindus raped the brides of Muslims. The Muslims raped the brides of Hindus. The Hindus burnt the children of Muslims. The Muslims burnt the children of Hindus. The Hindus blamed the Muslims of starting it. The Muslims blamed the Hindus of starting it. There was blood of the Hindus. There was blood of the Muslims. The blood of the Hindus was red. The blood of the Muslims was red.” the old man’s soul completed.

Abdul Ali’s soul fell on ground; and when the night was cold and the stars shone bright, it took its hands away from its face. And it saw:

Millions of like it, as long as it could see

Between those who lived, on both sides of LoC

Children of massacre, from here and from there

Now all dead, they chose to belong to nowhere

Some were killed in Punjab, and some in Sindh

All in the name of Pak, all in the name of Hind

Now living in peace, and living in unison

Because they had no names, and they had no religion

Abdul Ali’s soul, no longer longed for mango trees

It learnt from the dead, to bury sorry histories

The brothers across the fence, it wished could understand

The love which bonds, the dead of the no man’s land

©Rakesh 2011

“If KJo Were to Make a Twilight Remake”

It was summer of 2008. My friend from US, while discussing books, suggested that I read Twilight which was heading NY Times bestsellers since its release. According to her, it was the ‘avant-garde’ work of modern times. Those were the times of Orkut and sanity. The country was yet to import and witness the hype and mania surrounding the saga. Local bookstores were oblivious to the series but the store I patronized, promised me a copy in about ten days. Twenty days later, I had an overpriced imported copy of the book. The cover looked aesthete with a pair of hands holding a neat-fresh red apple in cusped palms over a complete black background. The title - twilight and author’s name – STEPHNIE MEYER were embossed in white at the top and bottom of cover respectively. Pages and fonts reminded me of cheap copies of pulp literature.

Long story cut short: the protagonist, a timid teen girl with ‘family-issues’ moves out to a new place and discovers that her ‘soul-mate’ is a vampire. A wolf-pack is touted against the vampire family to entwine the plot in later sequels. Apparently, the favorite pastime of all the characters in the saga is to protect the half-wit girl who has all the baddies vying for her blood. The writing was prosaic at best with irritating biblical undertones.  

No hard-feelings towards Stephnie Meyer till then. But one day, they come up with a movie by the same name. All characters that came alive on the screen were necessarily beautiful and terribly incompetent as actors. The suave vampires had their faces and bodies painted white. The wild and brutal wolf-pack was characterized by their six-pack abs. Rob Pattinson, the chief vampire protagonist, who did the commendable job of maintaining a single grinning-cum-snaring expression throughout the movie, was giving Bills and Boon a run for their money. He was only overreached by Kristen Stewart, the female lead, who achieved the double feat of simultaneously fidgeting her hair while giving her signature constipated look and acting as dumb as she could. 

And guys had a tough life. Girls went frenzy and copies of saga became their cult accessory. (Most of them, in their lives, had not read anything beyond Chacha Choudhary). Every girl-profile I trawled on Orkut would depict the love for Twilight. Dating standards went all time high. Every girl at campus grew smugger and meaner. Although, the saga emphasized the importance of having a boyfriend, anyone less than an immortal would not do for them. The girl I was dating suggested that I get a ‘Rob-cut’ (Yes! The first time I heard that word, I felt something inside my guts wanting to scream!) Damn Twilight. Damn Hollywood. Damn globalization. And yes, damn MTV movie awards as well! (All rich and dumb kids in West vote for it!) So, when this friend of mine, with her unfading excitement for the saga, mentioned how the lead protagonists are getting married in the next sequel, a thought ran down my mind. Bollywood can befittingly reply to the torture of Twilight and excel at that. All we need is a KJo.

If KJo were to make a remake of Twilight, the movie would be named either ‘Kuch Kuch Twilight hai’ or ‘Kabhi Vampire Kabhi Wolf’. He’d properly buy the rights for the remake rather than just remaking. And no prizes for guessing who the male protagonist will be: Shahrukh Khan. Of course he’s busy with his superhero commitments, but he can’t say ‘No’ to a KJo project and those who have watched the visual torture of Twilight can assure you; a vampire is no less than a superhero. And we all know how well Shahrukh can pull off the character of a student. Any of the KJo’s actresses can be cast as the female lead. They all look more or less dumb, but I think Kajal, dancing in the rain in a white saree, will add a new dimension to the character of Kristen Stewart while seducing the wolf-pack. Finding a wolf-pack would not be a major headache for KJo. New gen Hindi actors compensate for their acting skills with their six-packs. But obviously it will be a casting coup if KJo could persuade Salman Khan to enact the role of Taylor Lautner. It will be interesting to watch the Khan rivalry flame the silver screen. And man! He’s without his shirt all the time. The role of the aloof cop-cum-father should go to Big B. Of the baddies, I so much see (or want to see) Mallika Sherawat play the role of Victoria.

Obviously the story would be set in Switzerland and opening shot will depict Shahrukh, playing a violin and subsequently stretching his arms, waiting eternally for his true love. Contrary to Robert Pattinson, he can have as many expressions as he want on his face. The viewers will be free to choose the one they like and ignore the rest. Biology lab would replace classes on literature. (Of course the ones those teach the meaning of love) And songs choreographed by Farah Khan would see books and sarees flying. The Main Hoon Na prom dance can be re-enacted at the end before the credits roll.

With my limited knowledge from the one book I read, and one movie and few trailers I saw, this is all I see KJo doing. Of course with his creative freedom, he’ll stretch this by too far. The movie will surely be a hit in NRI strongholds (Indian audiences are getting too critical of Shahrukh these days) and Shahrukh will get another Filmfare for best actor. (Of course they’ll make him cry in the movie)

Post Scripts:

I would like to leave the portrayal of the marriage sequence to your imagination.

I am a die-hard Shahrukh fan!

© Rakesh 2011

"Ra.One: A Hodgepodge That Went Completely Wrong"

Ra.One promised all you could ever ask for in a Hindi movie: arguably the greatest superstar ever in Hindi cinema donning the role of a superhero, international names like Akon, Hans Zimmer (background score, The Dark Knight fame), Tom Wu and ‘never before’ sci-fi effects. And though they failed to rope in Jackie Chan and Lady Gaga, the left-over canvas being filled by our own Rajnikant (Sanjay Dutt and Priyanka Chopra are not that exciting prospects!). Shahrukh went a bit overboard with marketing that lasted for around a year. A brave move indeed but by the time the release actually came near the audience started getting exhausted by a 24X7 Shahrukh. But still the hype was expected to be worth an experience. But Ra.One fails at levels where movies should actually score: direction and script. In one of the early scenes, the protagonist Shekhar Subramanium (Shahrukh Khan) is seen eating Chinese food mixed with curd in Indian style (with fingers and not chopsticks!). It best describes the story. Superheroes mixed with video-games mixed with comedy mixed with drama mixed with father-child relation mixed with husband-wife relation mixed with un-necessary dance sequences mixed with god-knows what else. The outcome, at the risk of sounding obvious, does not taste good. With so many ingredients it in, the story fails to justify any of it and the plot never develops properly. 

The story begins at not so ‘dreamy’ note with Shahrukh fighting Khalnayak (Sanjay Dutt, yes he’s called THAT in movie) to help damsel (Priyanka Chopra) in trouble. The sequence does not add anything to the storyline and ends abruptly (it’s a dream sequence remember? And dreams in Hindi movies end pre-maturely). The story actually begins with a geeky father, Shekhar trying to teach good-is-nice things to his son Prateek (Armaan Verma). He acquiesces to his dude son’s demand to make the villain of his next video-game ‘cool and bad’. After a complex set of events, the baddie Ra.One in videogame, Akashi (Tom Wu) comes into real life and kills Shekhar and is now in search of Lucifer aka Prateek who left the game unfinished. Now Shahrukh-looking G.One, the good hero of the game, jumps into his suit and becomes real in order to protect Prateek. He kills Ra.One for a while but Ra.One enlivens himself again (technicalities you see!) this time as Arjun Rampal. As we know, goodness wins and Ra.One is killed again. 

The movie never takes crisp direction and the moment you think the super-hero story is now on course, a cheap slapstick comedy or dragging emotional scene holds it back. The movie is interspersed with buffoonery, which is annoying and hardly funny (Salman Khan funny though). The train sequence would have been gripping had we not seen it in Robot, and the demolition of Victoria Terminus is technically well-crafted. Dialouges are mostly vapid although the background score is a treat.

Armaan Verma is strictly okay. Kareena Kapoor’s role is poorly developed which is surprising given the screen time she has been provided. She delivers nothing in terms of performance but a Chammak Challo, which is well-choreographed. Arjun Rampal surprisingly does not have that much of footage and he does an okay job of keeping that single expression throughout the movie. It is saddening to see a talent like Shahrukh to enact such poorly written clownish roles. He pulls it off with ease and as well as he always does. Shahrukh should understand that it is not year 2000 and even Sachin has changed his game immensely since then. He needs to choose scripts which do not have romance in it just for the heck of it (MNIK and now Ra.One). And no matter how loudly you say, you cannot make a superhero movie with a budget of Rs 100 crore (assuming that the other 50 went for marketing). Ra.One will hardly appeal to his loyal NRI audience (Superheros? Really? They see Hollywood too, remember?). If the movie was made for children, Shahrukh got it completely wrong (the comedy derives help from every possible sexually gratifying body parts). The movie is one time watchable and Shahrukh’s fans will savor every inch of his presence on screen after almost two years ( I did :) ). Watch for some of its decent action and tech-sequences.  

My ratings 3/5

Post Script: The theatrical teaser of Don2 looked promising (only if Shahrukh could stop over-doing his baritone) and I look forward to it. :)

"Bombay Art Deco Architecture: A Visual Journey: 1930-1953"

Bombay Art Deco Architecture: A Visual Journey: 1930-1953

Authors: Navin Ramani, Laura Cerwinske (Editor)

Publisher: Roli Books

Year: 2007

Price: Rs 1295

Pages: 296

The Art Deco movement was started in the 1920s by a group of artists in Paris but lasted only for not more than two decades following an initial rapid acceptance. It acted as a fresh whiff alternative to the dominant Renaissance, Gothic and Victorian architectural styles. While most other styles were influenced by some or other political movements, Art Deco used eclecticism, neo-classism, modernism, and romanticism as its prominent feature. Liberal use of symmetry and geometry is evident in most of its forms. Art Deco influenced not just architectural styles but also fashion, ornaments, jewelry, motifs, furniture, cars, watches, pottery, and luxury products. Art Deco was fancied purely as a visionary romantic and artistic movement, which celebrated art as its chief form. And it succeeded briefly in resilience to the austerity methods employed after World War I. In architecture, it was widely used in Railway stations (eg. Jodhpur Railway Station), hotels, and cinemas (eg. Regal Cinema, Bombay). The movement was a huge success in US while in India it, for a while, provided an alternative to the monotonous and prominent Indo-Saracenic and Victorian-Gothic styles. Princely emblems, motifs, and interior designs heavily borrowed from Art Deco. Art Deco style died pre-maturely after a couple of decades, later seen as being too gaudy and overbearingly decorative. It rose to prominence again for a brief while in the ‘80s.

Bombay is said to have the largest number of Art Decos after Miami. The writer, oblivious to his neighborhood Art Deco surroundings realizes its significance only after he sees a resemblance of the style in Miami. While in US he see these buildings to be properly preserved, studied and documented, he observes that the same architecture-style in his home town of Bombay suffers ignorance and is taken for granted. The book explores the Art Deco styles, motifs, and local influences in the Art Deco region of Bombay. You see everything, which most probably went un-noticed for its importance, ranging from Asiatic Library, Azad maidan, Eros, Regal et cetera with a new perspective. With beautiful and esthete pictures, a delight for all architecture buffs and anyone interested in the history of city. Navin Ramani’s work is probably the first attempt to document the Bombay Art Deco heritage.

©Rakesh 2011

“Beastly Tales from Here and There, Vikram Seth”

Prologue

I always believe that art, in any form, should never be judged, but only mused over. Different people look at the same thing and discern it differently according to their esthetic of cognition formed over the years. More like the story of those three blind men, who interpreted the elephant in three different ways, and argued that their individual versions of the interpretation were the only correct ones. Art is not an exact science and I may be blind to what you saw in it and vice versa. So I don’t, after I’ve finished an engrossing book, feel the urge to hold someone’s arm and tell how extraordinaire the work is and coax him to read it too. And some things, like orgasms, are only meant to be felt and not described. But given the phobia of losing my thoughts at a speed faster than what they can be stored, I feel the need of archiving, preferable in chronological order, some books which, as my dad always wanted, ‘broadened my horizon’ and shaped (or rather reflect) my literary tastes. Some books which I cherished and re-read. It will be nice if I talk (and not review) about them, and read the posts in future to gauge the difference, if any, in my story of the elephant. Here is the first of it:

                   Beastly Tales from Here and There, Vikram Seth

I remember reading Vikram Seth, for the first time, in class ten English textbook. And it was one of his compositions from this book: The Frog and the Nightingale. Among Ogden Nash’s off-kilter and rebellious rhyming wizardry (This is Going to Hurt Just a Little Bit) and Coleridge’s propriety and romanticism (The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner), Vikram Seth’s depiction was reminiscence of Aesop, whose animal fables were our first moral-lessons during childhood.   

Next summer I had in my hands what probably was the first edition of Penguin’s Indian imprint of the anthology.

It is a collection of ten animal fables, which Seth samples from ancient texts, slightly adapts, and retells, in verse, with his own touch of humor, sarcasm, and wit without much altering the moral lessons beneath them.

1. The Crocodile and the Monkey
2. The Louse and the Mosquito
3. The Mouse and the Snake
4. The Rat and the Ox
5. The Eagle and the Beetle
6. The Hare and the Tortoise
7. The Cat and the Cock
8. The Goat and the Ram
9. The Frog and the Nightingale
10. The Elephant and the Tragopan

The first two tales come from India, the next two from China, the next two from Greece, the next two from Ukrain, and the last two — as Seth puts in introduction — come directly from the Land of Gup. So the hodgepodge of his literary maneuver is quite exotic. And Seth puts amazing skills to re-master these immortal folktales. The moment you read the first verse of The Crocodile and the Monkey, you know you’re reading words as if they were silk. Such is Seth’s exquisiteness:

On the Ganga’s greenest isle
Lived Kuroop the crocodile:
Greeny-brown with gentle grin,
Stubby legs and scaly skin,
He would view with tepid eyes
Prey below a certain size –
But when a substantial dish
-Dolphin, turtle, fatter fish –
Swam across his field of view,
He would test the water too.
Out he’d glide, a floating log,
Silent as a polliwog –
Nearer, nearer, till his prey
Swam a single length away;
Then he’d lunge with smiling head,
Grab, and snap, and rip it dead –
Then (prime pleasure of his life)
Drag the carcass to his wife,
Lay it humbly at her feet,
Eat a bit, and watch her eat.

Seth so easily slips into the hat of a story-teller without compromising with adroitness of his verse. The story of The Crocodile and the Monkey has been told again and again, but one is tempted to read Seth’s version one more time, smitten by his lyrical paradise. The tales may be borrowed, but Seth’s authority is stamped all over. Seth’s rendition of the story still remains the same: the coaxing prowess of women and need to keep head over shoulders when in danger. With Seth’s touch, the Panchtantra tale comes out more suave and literary tastier.

The next story, The Louse and the Mosquito, again from Indian folklore, stresses the old lesson of staying away from trouble-mongers and advices against being too nice to them. A family of louse lives happily and un-noticed in a King’s bed. Too nice to be inhospitable and unfriendly, the provide space and shelter to a mosquito. The mosquito does not pay heed to their advice of sucking the king’s blood only when he’s fast asleep, and bites him before he’s lost in his sense. The whole family of louse is found and killed while the mosquito escapes in merriment. Seth dramatically describes the King’s anger and the subsequent haphazardness of his servicemen.   

The Mouse and the Snake teaches the importance of being brave and upfront in the testing times of sorrow and danger. Two mice, while feasting, are attacked by a snake. One of them escapes but the other is not so lucky. When the snake retreats in his hole, the escaped one bite the snake’s tail persistently until the snake agrees to disgorge the other mice.

The next poem, The Rat and the Ox is a satire on the way government and bureaucracy works everywhere.

The Eagle and the Beetle is a story of revenge. The beetle avenges the death of his friend: the hare, audacious enough to take on Zeus’s own bird.  

The Hare and the Tortoise is where Seth actually adapts the end to reflect current societal moralities. The Tortoise does win the race but the Hare, being a page3 icon gets all the attention. Hare’s beauty and vain-headedness is celebrated over the ugly Tortoise’s common-manly discipline and diligence. Vanity shields shallowness.

Oh Miss Hare, you’re so appealing

When you’re sweating,” said one, squealing.

“You have tendered gold and booty

To the shrine of sleep and beauty,”

Also sample:

Thus, the hare was pampered rotten

And the tortoise was forgotten

The Cat and the Cock is about friendship and helping your peers when they need you the most.

The Goat and the Ram portrays the importance of keeping your cool and presence of mind in the times of danger.

Among all, The Frog and the Nightingale is my personal favorite.  A bossy, cocky and arrogant frog — aplomb of his singing and musical abilities — deceptively impresses the talented but timid and unsure nightingale, destroys her originality by pointing out flaws. He makes her sing day and night for his shows; finally resulting in her death while dictating her to take a higher note.

Now the frog puffed up with rage.
“Brainless bird – you're on the stage –
Use your wits and follow fashion.
Puff your lungs out with your passion.”
Trembling, terrified to fail,
Blind with tears, the nightingale
Heard him out in silence, tried,
Puffed up, burst a vein, and died.

The last poem: The Elephant and the Tragopan, is a satire on the way animals are losing their environment to concrete jungles. Animals in Bingle Valley turn up against humans but the conning maneuvers of humans prove out to be too much for their naïve and simple minds. It is the longest poem in anthology and Seth leaves the fate of animals on the reader:

The resolution of their plight,

Is for the world, not me, to write

Throughout the stories, Seth remains a master of words. He summons up words at will with surgical precision and does not fail to subtly entwine and adapt the underlying morals. Beastly Tales is for readers of all age. A book you’d want to read when it rains, a book you’d want to read to your child before he falls asleep. And you if you think poetry is not for you, Seth is your tabula rasa.

©Rakesh 2011

“Weekend Musings: Should the Guy Pay for All those Dates?”

Weekend is here and it means more dating for some and more longing for others. There is a third category, that of losers, for whom it will mean more cricket, more movies, and more readings. But I don’t want to talk about myself in all my posts.

I, also, do not claim to have an expertise on the intricacies and nuances of dating but while talking to a group of my friends, a very sensitive and complicated aspect of dating hit my mind: the money involved in or rather while dating. I am talking about more pedantic and proper form of dating — the kinds we see in, and often imitate, movies — than its innocent and elementary counterpart.

Given the social and poor urban planning in this nation, there is always a need for ‘some place nice’ and the money involved while dating is quite a fortune. At the cost of sounding like a capitalist, I wonder no big players of market research have yet studied the spending habits of the people involved. This huge market, to an extent, remains unorganized and faintly demarcated.

The usual norm is that the guy pays for the food, drinks, ambiance, tickets or any other costs incurred. There is no deviation from this practice. The school of thought which believes in sharing the costs is minority and those who successfully pull it off sans awkwardness and raised eye-brows are even lesser in number.

Why is a guy expected to pay on a date? Because this is what guys are supposed to do: provide assurance and a sense of security. They did this by showing off their brutal and raw strength, and hunting abilities during cave-ages. Now money provides more protection and sense of stability. It is like an imprimatur of manliness. So they often will spend what they normally would not, on dates; tough to digest, but very close to truth.

Times have changed, as they often do. Women earn and guys use lip-gloss. There is rise in the number of feminists. Isn’t it a hypocrisy that on one part a woman expects equal rights in every sphere and on the other the issue of money is wholly a guy’s issue?

Do we bend the rules of feminism and chauvinism according to our ease and benefits?

Are you a guy who’d expect your girl to share dating costs or even accede to any such idea?

Would you date a woman who earns more than you?

Would you date a guy who talks money to you?

I’ve never done it. Till now, I even hadn’t thought of it. I, like you, was lessoned the tenets of chivalry since childhood. And none of us would want to see a girl aiming towards her purse when the bill arrives.

Beneath that veneer of our shallow pretense on gender-equality, the demarcation of sexes still shows up. If men and women were to be equal, I wonder if God just meant fun while making such distinction.

© Rakesh 2011

“Sunday Discourse: Cricket, Women, and Enlightenment”

“Damn!”

He banged the table. As the agile Rayadu displaced Vettori’s - the last ray of hope for RCB followers - bails off Harbhajan. I fake-sympathize with him and others, and bang my table with twice the intensity. I cannot overtly display my love for MI for the risk of getting sister and mother cursed by a mob who still believes the solution to India Cricket’s woes lie in Dravid and Kumble – two city boys and India cricket’s veterans who surpass in popularity my, and probably yours as well, favorite cricket star. I accept that. I have no other choice. It’s like risking your life debating Shahrukh, and not Rajnikant, is the bigger superstar. I just look at them and try to wonder how Plato could draw a parallelism between anarchy and democracy thousands of years back before us. The Rights and rights is democracy need not necessarily be right and your Right. It should just have a mass attached to it. The say of the minority is not worthwhile of consideration. I try to recall Suketu Mehta’s discourse on democracy but couldn’t.

I am disturbed of my intellectual cerebration in midway with the fall of next wicket and I bang my table again. This time nobody bangs and they all look at me.

The scene is straight out of last night at my humble abode. A pack of geeks decide to watch and cheer the final of CLT20 between RCB and MI together hoping they’d finally witness a RCB victory in the finals. Given the life-less person I am, I’ve only two things to do in my spare time: listen to their woes and listen to their woes. Finally accepting that I don’t have any choice, I’ve so much trained myself to fake-listen them. I look intently, reverse count starting from 983, and in between nod my head vigorously up and down. This is their way of catharsis. In this city, nobody listens to nobody and I am an emotional-dustbin for this once hopeful and now hopeless bunch of people.

This weekend, they add to my woes and barge in to my place expecting a triumph of RCB over half-depleted MI, disturbing my soliloquy while reading a journalist’s account of underworld, riots, bar girls and Bollywood. Now, with RCB’s loss, there is silence; no one is speaking to no one.

He lights a fag. I resist. I am met with an air of indifference; a bureaucrat’s look to an RTI applicant. I try to enlighten them how narrowly a folk-tale writer from my town missed this year’s Nobel for literature and how I am associated to him by taking high-school Chemistry lessons from his grandson, the importance of lobbying, and the shams of such awards. They don’t share my avidity. The fag-piece changes hands with every puff and die slowly. I realize how symbiotic a fag and smoker are. Mutual. Die and kill. Die and kill. I repeat like a chant. And wish it will herald their departure. I desperately want to breathe, punch my hand in air, and scream for MI.

“This place is cursed man!” one cries. “This guy supports MI!” He adds and allegedly points towards me.

The mob looks towards me. I get chills down my spine. I don’t undermine this nation’s fanaticism for Cricket and Bollywood.

“Cricket fuck karo yaar. My head is spinning. What a dead match it was. Very unlike the last two matches RCB played.” A god-sent angel comes to my rescue.

“Very unlike. Very unlike” I repeat and nod; my instincts helping me in times of danger.

“Yaar Rakesh, kuch sarcasm kar na. The types you do with girls” One demanded.

From the guy who provided them a roof to watch the CLT 20 final, I now finding myself to be a nauch-girl straight out of William Dalrymple’s romanticism-laced accounts of Moghul Empire.

“Yes. Yes. Entertain kar yaar” another one cheered and moved his bum for the first time.

“Yaar what do these girls want?” One asked. There was a peculiar exasperation and melancholy in his question. That of a monk who failed to seek enlightenment and questions his guru the real meaning of truth and life.

“I really don’t know” I shrug-off my shoulders. Aware that there is no one line answer to his query.

“No. No. Tell us. What is their definition of an ideal guy?” He persisted; the conversation now moving from cricket to women.

All the sex starved junta till now had intently pushed their chairs towards mine to listen my treatment on the subject. I felt important for the first time in four hours.

“Tell us yaar. Teri toh girlfriend bhi hai na? Woh Poona-wali” Another one joined.

I smelled danger. I now had a twin mission: to save my personal life from these voyeuristic wolves and quench their queries.

I adjusted my posture. “See, it is different with different girls. There are no hard rules” I began nervously. Like a monk giving his first public sermon.

Observing that the disciples were ungratified, I hastily added, “Generally guys who are smart, intelligent and sophisticated are preferred.”

“How?” One asked.

Knowing that I had no ways out through my vague answers, I mustered all my intrinsic observation of the fairer-sex of the past (Mind you, I am a good observer of everything. And only person who debates and listens to my observations is my own self) and began:

“See girls may like different kind of individuals, at different point of time in their lives. The ones they get hitched with just happen to come at right time.”

“Timing is very important” One notes.

Not knowing whether he was talking about sweep-shot or women, I continued.

“There are two classes of guys who get women: Ones who provide them bread (read luxury) and the others dreams”

“Dreams. Dreams” they chanted.  Fully aware back in their mind how poorly paid they were.

“And be nice to them. Be courteous and chivalrous. With the economic reforms of ‘90s, the days of machismo are long gone”

I again turn to vagueness but my disciples now looked at me with new reverence on my adroitness to connect women and Economics.

“Rakesh how do I get the girl I like?” A shy fellow at the end finally opened up.

“Umm… depends on the girl. No two girls are alike. (No two guys are alike as well but nobody cares to find about the guys!) Also depends on the cultural and societal influence on her. Some may like guys who travel, are well read, and have tastes for esthetics. Some may go for muscularity and brusqueness. And some others may like a bit effeminate; metro-sexual types. Soft inside and out.”

“Like Ranbir Kapoor!” One exemplifies.

I ignore him and continue, “But out of all the qualities, a sense of humor is the greatest accessory. Be humorous but funny. Buffoonery is mocked, not appreciated. Try out what she likes. It’s like demand and supply. Observe her needs and demands closely and hit the right nails. You need to outsmart the extra seventy guys of the gender ratio.” I now entwine Economics with social studies.  

“We need to put a ban on female infanticide!” One comes with an idea.

“There is already a one” I let him know.

He looks disappointed that his bright idea is not that revolutionary.

“There need to be stricter laws” The chain-smoker suggested a solution. His voice had a genuine pain of an individual being robbed of his prospective life-partner before she is born due to fallacy of laws.

Observing the discussion now going into territory of Laws unknown to me, I recourse to vagueness again.

“So the bottom-line is: know her well. And in course of that, make you known well to her.”

“How to know her well?” an eager disciple asked.

“Good question.” I acknowledge him not knowing how to answer.

“Know more about her. Her likes and her dislikes.”

But recalling how my disciples were shy of standing even five feet next to women, I sermon-ed,

“Overhear her conversations with other girls. They often talk about potential mates. And if even this doesn’t help, steal her personal records from office computers, find out her star sign and read Linda Goodman.”

The very narration of stealing sent a wave of excitement across all James Hadley Chase fans. Others discussed how all men community should be indebted to Linda Goodman and ranted why there were no statues of her in the country. ‘Linda Goodman is a good man’ one chucked (Poor Linda!)

“What if even this does not help?” One skeptic loser challenged.

“Then pray to God or Shakti Kapoor” I advised him taking my expertise on the subject to a whole different level. You got to have some balls to challenge God. And I knew he didn't have the balls to confront Shakti Kapoor.

“Father!” quivered a disciple, his voice laced with genuine query. “Do tell us, if girls like bad boys more than good boys. They say nice guys finish last. So should I more be like Shahrukh or Salman?” The last statement denoting the confidence I had instilled in my disciples. Knowledge is power.

Now this was really my territory.

“See girls do like the uncertainty, masochism and vulnerability of bad guys. Their unpredictability and self-destruction fascinates them. But hardly will they marry them. Nice guys will provide safety, stability, and security in their lives. They need these things since cave-ages. They need such environment to pass their genes to next generation. So they’ll mostly (you can never be sure about girls) choose nice guys as their potential mates. Darwin theorized this more than one hundred fifty years ago.” I corroborate my sermon with Darwin.

My disciples folded their hands as a measure of respect for our hero. Darwin always command a degree of reverence among men community for his immortal rules-cum-tips on mating and copulation (Apparently, his works are also the most subtle and intellectual pretext for adultery). After a guy fails to understand women, he goes under the aegis of Darwin, seeking answers to his queries (mostly on heartbreaks). So Darwin is potent solution to everything between men and women. He has stood the test of time.

“So you’ll find that” I continued, “those girls who look a Shahrukh in their partners also fantasize about Salman in darkness (No offense on their modestly. Just to make it sound good to the poorly developed literally tastes of these men). And like thy kids, or at least other people’s kids.” I corrected. “It is a potential sign of a good mate. Girls like guys who pretend to like kids. Like kids as much as you like Rajnikant. After all Rajni Sir was also a kid once.”

I had touched a very maudlin nerve. I had shown them the fountain-of-breeding and another reason to love Rajni Sir. There eyes were wet.

“Go back home” I knew they would not leave on their own. “And watch Robot once more. Also watch Ra.One this Diwali. Shahrukh is a great follower of Rajni Sir. He parted with the title ‘Robot’ so that Rajni Sir could have it. Rajni Sir has a super-special appearance in Ra.One. So watch Ra.One, because if Ra.One fails, I won’t be able to take his sides in Shahrukh versus Other-Khans’ debates. He’s aging so fast. Go. Go.”

‘Father, come to McDonald’s next Sunday with me’

‘Sir! Have a drink with us at Hard Rock this Friday. You have changed our lives’

‘Lord! Enlighten some of our friends tomorrow evening; they have troubles passing their genes to next generation’

‘Baba, it will be an honor if you’d join us to watch Ra.One this diwali’

I immediately commit to the last offer, and cajole others to raise their offerings.

Some enthusiastic disciples intently peruse my study. One of them asks if he could borrow “The Origins of Species by Means of Natural Selection” for some days. Others touch the holy book to their foreheads in reverence. I had formed a new cult.

They don’t hug me like they normally would. They fold their hands, bow their head and leave one after other in order.

I observe them leaving as long as I can see. I grab some water. Scream MI twice, switch on my computer, and start writing. My phone buzzed and played Chammak Challo and the screen depicted: Shahrukh Calling.

Post Scripts:

Call me anything but sexist, racist, regionist, or religionist. I really take offense if people think I discriminate on the basis of sex, skin, region, or religion.

It’s irritating why MS Word doesn’t understand British form of English. It also doesn’t go by the pedantic rules of commas, colons, and semicolons. Just because you invented Microsoft doesn’t mean you kill the sanctity of language. They should also now understand that Shahrukh Khan is not a spelling error. He has more followers than Brad Pitt! Americans!

I am a Shahrukh maniac, so please endure the torture of Ra.One coming soon at cinemas next to you.

Finally, get in touch with me if you understand women or are a woman who is super-smart, very intelligent, classy and a sucker of books, words and buildings; I am looking for you.

©Rakesh 2011

“A Brief History of India’s Integration”

Background

The boundaries of India were never clearly defined. In ancient times, anything beyond Indus was India. Maurya and Gupta dynasties integrated the whole subcontinent into their empire and India arguably was at its peak in art and civilization. The arrival of Moghuls in medieval times meant new heights in culture and refinement at the cost of religious and ethnic intolerance. The fall of Moghuls in the late sixteenth and early seventeenth centuries meant disintegration of the empire into several smaller states. The European traders: Portuguese, French, British, Dutch and Danish seized the opportunities as well as they could. The British prevailed among them all with a handful of port enclaves coming under the possession of French and Portuguese. Dutch and Danish had little or no control around their trade ports and factories and they co-existed along with other traders. By the middle of the nineteenth century, half of the Indian peninsula was under British control and the other half consisted of princely-states. British diplomacy meant that these states were more or less suzerain-states of British Empire. Their loyalties and independence dependent on the treaties they underwent with them. Twentieth century saw a wave against colonialism around the world and struggle for independence in British Empire meant two independent states: India and Pakistan in 1947; divided on the lines of religion. Pakistan consisting of predominantly Muslim populace and India consisting of a majority of Hindu , a large but minority population of Muslims, and Sikhs, Jains, Buddhists, Parsis, Christians and several other ethnic and religious groups as minorities. At the time of independence, there were close to 570 existent princely states; in area as small as Vatican City to as large as France. The British had considerable suzerainty over around 200 of these states. These states were given the choice to either join India or Pakistan, chiefly in accordance with the religious considerations. They could even choose to remain independent of the two, if they desired so.

Chief Architects

Vallabhbhai Patel and his secretary VP Menon (a renowned civil servant) took the task of unification of India for the first time after centuries. It further helped that the nation had somewhat pro-Indian governor: Lord Mountbatten. Mountbatten used his influence on the princely states to coax them into joining India as most of such states would be politically and economically unsustainable due to geographical constraints. He also declared that the British Empire will not get into diplomatic relations with any such states and will not include them in Commonwealth, which meant no political recognization. Some states felt betrayed as they always had always considered the British to be their ally. Winston Churchill lamented Mountbatten and compared the acts of his and Congress to that of the Nazis. In the next two years, Patel and Menon flied all over the country nonstop and used every trick in the book to force the princely states into joining India. It further helped that most of these rulers were infamous for their brutality over their populace and their people saw a merger into India as a brighter promise. Some states voluntarily acceded, some were threatened, some were allowed to have their privy-purses and pensions. Some were provided more autonomy (which India could cease anyway later on). Contrary to Nehruvian philosophy of peaceful negotiations, for Patel, the means did not matter. Only the end did. The integration of India is arguably the finest example of diplomacy seen anywhere in the history of the world. The reason which lead to onset of British Empire in India, also lead to the fall of princely states into India: lack of unity among the states.

Rajputana States

Jinnah was keen to attract the larger border states into Pakistan, chiefly: Jodhpur(Marwar) and Jaisalmer. He reportedly signed a blank white paper and cajoled the Maharaja of Jodhpur to sign accession at any conditions he desired and also promised him better terms of autonomy and lifestyle. Jinnah believed that these two border states could further set way to accession of other Rajputana states and this would compensate him for the loss of Punjab and Bengal. Mounbattern quickly pointed out that joining of majority Hindu states into Pakistan would undermine the existence of two state’s theory based on religion. The Maharaja of Jaisalmer further believed that this would be a betrayal to this populace and other Rajputana states will forgo ties with him. The young twenty-two year old Maharaja of Jodhpur, Hanwant Singh, desired his large state to remain autonomous or at least wanted to negotiate better terms so as to lead his lavish lifestyle.  Patel made sure that Jodhpur did not become Hyderabad and a diplomatic mission led by Menon and Mountbatten forced Hanwant Singh to sign the treaty of accession. He wanted the imperialists to leave but he was fervently against the dhoti-clad Congressmen. He even tossed with the idea of asking the UN for help. Amid high drama, he signed the accession. The Viceroy left the room and Hanwant Singh was left alone with Menon. Frustrated, he took out his .22 barrel piston, pointed towards Menon and roared, “I refuse to take your dictation.” Added some words on his Surya clan ancestry (they claim to be descendants of Lord Ram) and threatened Menon of dire consequences if he ever betrayed his people. Menon, with his cool South Indian bureaucratic head is said to have replied, “If you think killing me or threatening to kill me will abrogate this treaty, you’re wrong.” Other than his eccentric manners, Hanwant Singh was highly regarded among his people. He personally went and asked all the Muslims in the walled city to stay rather than leave for Pakistan. “It will be my insult if you leave me.” he said. With all the atrocities and communal violence during partition, Jodhpur remained calm. He later somewhat audaciously (Nehru threatened to revoke the privy purses if princes entered politics) fought the first general election against the Congress in the state along with thirty-four of his supporters. Thirty one of them won and Congress leaders could hardly save their deposits. He died in a plane crash an eve before he could know of his victory.

States like Bikaner and Jaipur acceded on patriotic grounds voluntarily. Some entered into negotiations. Some like Tonk and Kishangarh were too small to resist. And in the “bulldozering” of Patel, all the close to twenty states of Rajputana acceded to India. Little did they know that reorganization of their states was to be followed. Rajputana was later reorganized as the Indian state of Rajasthan. In a matter of a couple of years, identity of  all the Rajputana was lost. Indira Gandhi later in 1971 abolished all the privy-purses and pensions these rulers had negotiated.

Deccan States

Close to thirty small states in the southern presidency of Bombay. The reorganization meant that the southern states of Bombay went to Mysore (later renamed Karnataka). Bombay itself was divided into Maharastra and Gujrat.

Punjab States

Close to forty states in Panjab and Simla Presidency acceded either to India or Pakistan on the lines of religion.

Gwalior

Close to a dozen smaller states of Gwalior presidency had their treaties nullified with British Empire at the stroke of midnight 15^Th Aug 1947. These were integrated into the Indians state of Madhya Bharat. (Later Madhya Pradesh) Some were integrated in Uttar Pradesh.

Central States

Chiefly consisting of Indore, Malwa, Bhopal, Bhopawar and others were integrated in the Indian state of Madhya Bharat.

Bhopal was one of the larger states wanting to remain independent on the pretext of maintaining its secularity. A little threatening diplomacy did the trick.

Eastern States 

Popular national sentiments meant that provinces in modern day Orrisa and Bihar be merged with India. There were no major hindrances across these provinces.

North Eastern States

The issue of NEFA (North East Frontier Agency) was a complex one. Some of the states had completely different ethnicity and history and did not relate to India et all. Patel knew of the strategic importance of these regions. Modern Day Arunanchal Pradesh became part of British Empire according to Simla Accord 1913 between British, Tibet and China. A McMohan line was drawn along Indo-Sino border by a British Official Henry McMohan. China did not agree to the entire accord and left in between. It was completed between Tibet and British and modern day region of Arunanchal came under British and subsequently Indian control. The entire McMohan line is still a major bone of contention in Indo-Sino relations. China still claims Arunanchal to be part of southern Tibet. Naga tribes pressed for separate state of their own on basis of ethnicity. Army was sent to the region in 1955 and under negotiations, it became a Union Territory with reasonable autonomy. In 1963, it was granted a statehood.

The queen of Tripura under severe political pressure signed the merger on behalf of her teen child.

Manipur, despite establishing democracy, was controversially annexed in 1949.

Nepal, Sikkim and Bhutan

Nepal was recognized as an independent state by British Empire and was not merged. Bhutan was a protectorate state of British and a treaty with India meant that it became close to a suzerain state of India “abiding by the advice of India in external affairs”. In return, it was provided some of the controversial regions of Bengal.

Sikkim was given full internal autonomy with communications, external affairs and defense coming under India’s control (partial merger treaty). A referendum was conducted under Indian Army with 97% of the votes going in favor of integration with India and Sikkim became a state of India. The fairness of the referendum is often debated but it was a significant diplomatic achievement of Indira Gandhi’s governance.

Travancore

Travancore pointed out its thorium reserves to international community to gain recognition. But the ruler did not have support of his subjects. An attempt to assassinate his chief forced him to merger with India.

Junagarh

Junagarh in Gujrat was a small port province with a Muslim ruler but majority of Hindi subjects. It chose to accede to Pakistan defying Mountbatten on the grounds that it could be reached Pakistan mainland by sea-link. Patel had ancestral roots at the province. Also, the Hindu deity at Sarnath proved out to be more emotional and less rational reason in the mind of Patel. Forces were sent and the province and port was surrounded by the Indian troops. All supply and communications were annexed. The Nawab fled to Pakistan. A demand for plebiscite was raised in the UN but before the UN could take any diplomatic measures, a plebiscite was help under Indian control and 99% of the voters opted for integration to India. Pakistan accused India of breaking international laws and rigging the elections.

Hyderabad

The fanatic Nizam of Hyderabad wanted to remain independent. In spite of eighty percent of his subjects being Hindu, he resisted merger with India. He even sent diplomatic missions to Europe and got into agreement with Portuguese to either lend or sell port at Goa. He had slightly pro-Pakistan sentiments and donated the Pakistani government Rs 200 crore to overcome the financial crisis it was facing. (He was regarded as the richest person of his times) Patel sent troops to Hyderabad under Operation Polo and Hyderabad was annexed and merged in four days.

Kashmir

Out of all the princely states, Kashmir remains the most contentious region among India and Pakistan. It had a Muslim Majority but a Hindi oppressive king, Maharaja Hari Singh. Pakistan laid claim on Kashmir citing the majority of Muslim subjects. An ideal and peaceful negotiation would have been to divide the state into Kashmir, with majority of Muslim subjects going to Pakistan. Jammu, with majority of Hindu subjects along with Ladakh, with majority of Buddhists going to India.  Nehru was a Kashmiri Pandit and his reasons to have Kashmir were slightly emotional. Hari Singh signed standstill agreements with India and Pakistan, and wanted to stay independent. Thus delaying the merger. Shortly after independence, Pathan tribesmen, supported by Pakistan Army crossed the border and rapidly marched towards Srinagar. Hari Singh asked for help and agreed to sign Instrument of Accession. Patel immediately wanted to send troops but was stopped by Nehru who insisted on having the document signed first to abide International Laws. After Hari Singh came to Delhi and signed the merger in presence of Nehru, Patel, and Mountbatten, all the private air carriers were called and troops were airlifted to Srinagar. Till then a major portion of North-West Kashmir (now PoK) was already occupied. India secured Jammu, Srinagar and some portions of valley but winter made sure that further movement was thwarted.

In a diplomatic faux, Nehru declared a ceasefire and took the issue to the UN. The UN recognized the Line of Actual Control and passed a resolution to hold a plebiscite in Kashmir. Both India and Pakistan refused take their troops back and the plebiscite was never held. Pakistan argued that a plebiscite be held solely in India Administered Kashmir. India now argues that subsequent successful elections in state have reinforced Kashmir’s integrity to India. Some fractions of Kashmir and Pakistan accuse India  of rigging the state elections and employing puppet government in the state. Kashmir today, is one of the most disputed regions in the world.

Lakshadweep

The news of India’s independence was yet to reach these islands. Patel realized that Pakistan could lay claim on these islands as majority of its subjects were Muslims. He sent a ship under Indian Navy and Indian flag was raised there.

Andaman and Nicobar Islands

Some British officials wanted to retain these islands to use them as strategic air-bases. Others wanted to settle Anglo-Indians and Anglo-Burmese populace. Neither did Nehru care much about these inhabitable islands. Mounbattern ensured that these islands are merged as well with India according to the Treaty of Accession. The tribal leader of Nicobar, on request, agreed to sell his land in symbolic exchange of Nehru’s jacket to the amusement of all.

French India

The accession of French India was mostly peaceful and diplomatic. A plebiscite was held in Chandernagore in 1949 with majority supporting merger with India. Referendums were held in Yanam, Mahe, Pondicherry and Karikal in 1954 and all the four enclaves were acceded to India finally in year 1962.

Portuguese India

Portuguese did not respond well to diplomatic solutions and wished to maintain the enclaves under their possessions. Dadra and Nagar Haveli witnessed uprising in 1954 were annexed. Portuguese tried to send troops to Daman and Diu but were stopped by Indian Army. Diu had the longest rule of colonialism anywhere in the world for close to 450 years. Portuguese made several failed attempts to justify their possession of Goa at UN and International Court. Although Nehru favored peaceful negotiations, a revolt in 1961 forced the arrival of Indian troops and Goa was merged with India. Portuguese raised the issue in UN Security Council but were vetoed by USSR.

Awaiting Integration?

India claims complete control over Jammu and Kashmir. Present Line of Control divides the region into PoK, Indian Administered Kashmir and Aksai Chin (area acceded by Pakistan to China).

©Rakesh 2011