Pre-Script: Putting-up raw transcripts of open-mic stand-up bits which are so longer relevant. This was performed on 06.06.2017 at some random Cafe in Bombay for the first and last time. So they say men don’t
cry. Which to me sounds fair enough. Real men don’t cry. They probably try to
find solutions to the problems they come across. Real peacocks? Apparently,
yes!
For those who missed-out an interesting piece of
news lately, Justice MC Sharma of Rajasthan High Court recently delivered a 139
page judgment on his last day at work endorsing cow to be declared as our
national animal. And later in an interview went ahead telling us that peahens get
pregnant by drinking tears of a peacock; that peacocks do not indulge in sex
and stay virgin for life. Sounds like the story of my life except that when I cry, no one really gives a sh*t!
But this is not the first time people from judiciary
have tried their hands at comedy. The biggest culprit has always been this now
former Justice of Supreme Court Mr. Markandey Katju. To quote one of his many
ridiculous statements, 90% of the Indians are idiots because they vote on the
basis of caste and religion. Which to me actually makes him look like an idiot
because 90% of the Indians do not vote at the very first place!
In another recent case, Justice CS Karnan of
Calcutta High Court was asked by a bench of Supreme Court to appear before a
medical board for, hold yourselves,
psychiatric examination. Yeah! That’s how they roll in West Bengal! You know a
state is messed-up when its High Court Judge and Chief Minister both need
psychiatric help.
And all this is happening in a country with around
30 million pending court cases. And they still manage to get away with around
two months of summer, winter and diwali breaks excluding regular public
holidays! Not some very great statistics to back-up your sense of humor!
But I don’t think these
judges or the people running this country are that stupid. I think they are
just playing for the gallery and messing-up with us. When we should really be
questioning these people on crony capitalism, falling GDP, inflation, militancy,
failing banks and farmer suicides, they are diverting our attention to divisive
issues like beef, love-jihad, ghar
wapasi, triple talaq and now sex life of peacocks.
One can imagine these
people sitting in secret meetings and going: "Sir, we have proposed AADHAR cards for cows now. But I don’t
think people are scandalized enough. We need to do something more."
"Mor?!
Let’s give it a shot."
My point, ladies and
gentlemen, is that do not fall into this trap. The virginity of peacocks does
not deserve our national attention! Virginity of Salman Khan, probably yes!
It was like every monsoon season that he hated and it was no different than every evening after work that he whined and complained to himself—about work, economy, world, people, dogs, cats, cities, seasons, Nazis, Capitalism among other things. Turning off his laptop and gulping last few sips of coffee, he decided to throw the rest of the sandwich in the waste-bin. Some dreams would never let him rest in peace. He took-off his leather shoes and put them in his bag, slipped into a pair of rubber slippers, put on a Zara jacket to save his shirt and tie from the rains out, folded-on his trousers high up his ankles, unfolded an umbrella, and walked down the unevenly spread pooled potholes of BKC to catch a cab back his home at Bandra. It doesn’t take much for the Bombay monsoons to make you look helpless and stupid together. On his way, he could see, like every day, literally a million people, mostly young girls, some accompanied by their guys, shopping along the teeming market on Linking road; haggling for cheap forgeries he’d find tacky of co-existing American or European labels the road across -- they say East meets West there. Shoes, bags, clothes, make-up stuff he had zilch idea about -- they had it all. These shops would never shut down, but for the night, and people would never stop coming in numbers -- withstanding heat, rains, traffic and everything else. He passed through the chaos with indifference. Like every day, to everything.
A few lanes before his house, he asked the cabman to stop at Bombay Blue. Getting out of the cab he noticed the place swamped with people inside and out. "Fridays be damned!", he chided himself for forgetting that. 'What and where to eat?' was an every evening’s challenge for him. More so on a weekend-eve when asking for a table for one was no less than a biblical sin. But rather than asking for a take-away, he decided to wait for his turn for a table like others. More for the fear of being engulfed by the nostalgia and loneliness back home than for the razzmatazz out. But nostalgia had his own ways of reaching and biting him. Maybe the long association had attuned it to derive a sadistic pleasure of trampling over his haplessness every time. A voice most familiar dragged him to a past long foregone within a moment so ephemeral. A voice that had played in his head all nights they’ve been not together.
He knew it was her from the music of her laughs, interspersed with liberal use of 'awww...'s and 'hawww...'s. He could easily recognize her from half of a dozen women she was with, and he was sure it would have been a no task even if there were all the women in the world. Yes, she was that beautiful, he believed. A few awkward glances followed by a difficult smile later, his presence was acknowledged with a smile that was as pure, innocent, and care-free as ever. A smile that could melt him down in seven seconds, as he'd confessed to her at numerous times; a smile she'd used to melt him down in seven seconds, as she'd confessed to him after each of his numerous confessions. Not much had changed since the last time he saw her at Carter Road but for her carefree and slightly irresponsible curly hair which were now rather ruffled back, again carelessly, than left loose and open. He remembered they had conversations on Vikram Seth, Jim Morrison, Bombay, the Portuguese, Sea, fish and cheese. Her dusky Konkani skin was as radiant as ever (maybe even more), and as ever, he had the urge to touch it all over on the old pretext of...She would never deny him of that; and she knew that he always knew that she knew his pretext but chose to act naively. Her choice of cartoon tees and that of faded ripped denim shorts have had always been predictable. And so have had been the movements of the Blackberry in her hand, and her occasional fidgets to keep a shoulder bag from slipping down. She'd always say that dressing good but difficult was better left to him, like a lot of other things. She still had her braces on, he noticed. He once had got restless while she mentioned how the smell of rubber gloves turned her on during visits to her dentist. But he didn't mention her that. Like he never mentioned her how much he had loved her. Love enchains, he believed. And he had always wanted her to be free. That was the only way he had liked her - free. So when she had decided to leave, he didn't ask her to stay. Being enchained, too was best left to him, he had thought. "Some dreams" would keep him enchained.
Guzre jo haseen lamhe the saath tere woh dhoop aur woh barish ke lamhe socha na tha kabhi teri bheegi hasee ko taras jayenge aur socha na tha rango se un lamho ko kore kagaj par kaid karne ki koshish mein girte aansun se woh tasveer bigad jaegi
chup jata hai jab chand us badal mein woh khuli aankhein aur tanha raat ka akelapan socha na tha khulein balon ko tere phir na chu payenge aur socha na tha un balon ki khusboo ko foolon mein dhundhane ki koshish mein hum sara aasheeya hi ujad denge
ladte hai jo do yaar kahin bazaar mein woh aashiqi mein ghula zara sa pagalpan socha na tha tere nakhron par phir muskura na payenge aur socha na tha sirf usi dupatte ki aad mein woh naya jahan banane ki zid mein hum kisi aur se ishq na lada payenge
us reshmi jism ki narmi aur garmahat woh bhare jawa badan par maheen tang libaaz socha na tha in sard raaton mein haq phir na jata payenge aur socha na ki har lamha tadap kar tumhe apne sapno mein lane ki koshish mein hum sari zindagi kabhi so hi na payenge
If any of the above words in the headline brought you here, high probability that you’re either an Indian or a Paki. This is what, at least, Google Trends data of 2011 corroborate. No matter how much we hate each other, some threads run common among us; it’s the same blood running in our veins. Indo-Pak cities top the charts when it comes to Google-ing ‘Sex’, ‘Shahrukh’, ‘Cricket’ and of course, ‘Kashmir’. Our brothers across the fence beat us in each of it, but there are some other surprising revelations too. Have a look:
Sex: While other three search queries have fairly obvious chartbusters, this was an unexpected but a pleasant surprise for unlike others, sex unites. Also, an unreliable randomly sampled quick scan of online user created data showed a clear preference for Paki males and females over their Indian counterparts. While an average Paki male is hailed for his virility, a Paki female score for her…well, I really didn’t get it.
So much we share our curiosity for sex that seven Indian and one Paki city feature in the top ten global cities which queried for ‘sex’, substantiating that Kamasutra was not just a fluke. The chart is topped by Colombo though. Delhi, unexpectedly is ranked far behind at fifth. The surprising entries here are the culturally reserved cities of Calcutta, Lahore and Hyderabad. Basic instincts do come out, some or other way.
Among regions, the brothers stand neck to neck with Pakistan ranked second, closely followed by India at third. The list surprisingly is topped by, our sub-continental cousin, Sri Lanka.
Shahrukh: We all know the rage Hindi Cinema is in Pakistan. Who better than our global superstar Shahrukh can represent Bollywood across the globe? Apparently, the top four cities which queried for Shahrukh the most comes from Pakistan. This is not surprising given the overdose of Shahrukh, Indians had in the past year. But still there are five Indian cities, where they could not get enough of Shahrukh offline, in the top ten. This surprisingly does not feature Delhi, which is said to be his own territory. Tier-II cities like Indore and Ahmedabad and laid-back cities like Kochi made their marks too.
Cricket: With the quadrennial Cricket World Cup hosted in the sub-continent this time and India finally winning it after twenty-eight years, it was hardly a surprise that maximum Google queries for ‘cricket’ came from the sub-continent cric-rivals: India and Pakistan. The semi-final among the arch-rivals was nothing short of a war-battle. Eight Indian cities and two Paki cities combinedly clean-sweep the list. Another surprise is the number of tier-II cities like Indore and Jaipur making it high in the list.
Kashmir: The bone of contention and a powerful political tool, which has made the lives of natives a misery; it seems that no one across the borders really cares about the region beyond territorial claims; of course, if Google Trends data are to be believed. Over ninety per cent of Google queries for Kashmir came from the regional-capital of Srinagar; other very few from the border towns.
Each and every frame of Don2 is suave, exotic and exquisite but when all those frames are combined and run together, Don2 misses the plotline. The plot is very simple though: Five years later, Don(Shahrukh Khan)—after establishing his unchallengeable fiefdom in Asia—heads towards Europe to extend his drug-cartel. This expectedly does not go well into the European mafia and they consort themselves to ‘keel Don’. But Don apparently has some other plan and to pull it off, he needs his old-time ‘frenemy’ Vardhan(Boman Irani). So what does he do now? Simple: He surrenders himself to the cops: Roma(Priyanka Chopra) and Mr. Malik(Om Puri), and takes Vardhan out of Kuala Lampur jail. From there they head to Zurich and then to Berlin to steal “banknote printing plates” from the highly-secured central bank, which will make him, well, rich! Sounds simple? But Don has several sub-plans in the plans which make him con Vardhan again this time. In his sub-plans, his aides are Ayesha(Lara Dutta) and the hacker-guy(Kunal Kapoor). At the end of the story, Don has the banknote-plates and he manages to strike a deal with the police—remember the “disk” in the prequel? Yeah, he gives it to the cops and all the European mafia is behind bars—and Don, now, is a free respectable man!
Direction, costumes and background score is all where Don2 scores. Every single shot oozes style and polish. The fight and car-chasing sequences are engrossing and the shots of never-seen-before Berlin are breath-taking. But the plot, like a party-spoiler irritates, is hardly convincing (except the part where they loot the bank) and leaves many unanswered questions:
If getting out of jail was that easy, then was Vardhan waiting for Don all these years to get out? Why did Don need Vardhan? Didn’t he have his own men? Seemed so, given that in the opening sequence, he takes his own consignee!(In spite of being...well...DON, humility? )
After planning to ‘keel Don’, where was the European mafia partying instead of killing Don, he came to Berlin, right? We wanted to see someone apart from dumb Indian Cops chasing Don there!
Once bitten twice shy, right? Not so much in case of the cops (Priyanka and Om Puri) who are coxed by Don into believing in him. They repeatedly buy the fact that Don has got a change of heart and really want to help them!
As an insult to the viewer’s intelligence, the part where Hrithik (Yes, he’s there too to up the style-quotient) unmasks himself as Don, is well…very lame!
Apart from the flaws in the plot, Don2 is a visual treat and matches the panache of Hollywood flicks like Ocean’s11. Watch it out for Shahrukh, who undisputedly is the king of—like everything—the movie. All cheers to Shahrukh and his charisma.
Coronation Durbar Delhi 1911, Official Directory with maps
Printed at Superintendent Government Printing, Calcutta
Exactly a hundred years back, on 12th December 1911, the Coronation of King George V – who became the first British monarch to visit India – was held in the durbar of Delhi. And the Capital of British Empire was moved from Calcutta to Delhi without public knowledge. The conglomeration for the event witnessed every ‘Who’s Who’ of British Empire and their Princely Allies. The sheer scale at which the event was held meant that planning to the minutest of scale and resources to be used were detailed out as specifically as possible. The directory serves as the official document for planning and organization of the coronation and one sees the eye for details of the organizers. All ceremonies, receptions, parades, awards, routes, places and people involved, sports, and departure are precisely detailed out with maps where required. The document serves as an important resource to appreciate the planning and resource-management of British of those times.
PS: Indeed the centenary of the event is not even talked about – let alone being celebrated – in the country today. The Coronation Park in Northern Delhi, today, remains neglected, unmarked and locked.
The document can be downloaded from archives.org here
Every Friday, e-invitations to parties and gatherings at some or other club, pub or any such place swarm my inbox. I hardly peruse through these invites for the idea of shaking my hips on a week-end does not appeal to me (what? People can hate to be among people!); what mostly occupies me is reading - for it does not necessitate the need of moving one’s butt for several hours; and next to browsing web, it is the easiest act I can pull off with my eyes open. So I never bother to check what they are about, but this weekend, boredom curiosity overtook the better of me and I ended up reading all such invites in my inbox. Now you know what such invites offer but one particular line, which was emboldened, caught my attention: Strictly no Stags; and it ran common in all invites. For a moment I ended up empathizing for a particular class of harmless and shy animals; but logic united consciousness in no time and I realized: it demeans animals and humans alike, words are deceptive – the phrase has a rich and impressive etymological background of porn, animal psychology, and Scotland – and most importantly, it throttled any chances of me making at such events. That one line threatened me that unless I come accompanied with a member of the fairer sex, entry would be denied! I did not sleep during school social-science lectures and I can vouch that it is very unconstitutional (ha! But no pun intended!); and most importantly, it is utterly sexist for it accents the very existence of a man to woman. It is demeaning to assume that a stag single-guy would look towards a gathering of this kind as an opportunity to breed. Being with a woman is anything but exclusive and a single-guy is not a stag that would compete with other males to substantiate his masculinity. But my intellectual musings will be all Greek to those dumb hedonists. Let them promote sexism while I sleep, eat, and sleep this week-end. I may also listen to Nicole Scherzinger’s I don’t need a (wo)man…
A Narrative of the Siege of Delhi,Charles John Griffiths
Comprising mostly of a journal entries of around four months by a high-rank official of British Army of Ferozepore regiment during the times of “Mutiny/First War of Independence” in 1857, it gives a general perspective of the attitude of a British of that time; important insight towards the disregard of natives, expectedly racist, biased, overtly-bragging account of the capture of Delhi. The first chapter describes the flippant attitude of the British during the first few days of the rebellion. The blowing-off of rebels with cannons describes how British used religion as a strategy (blowing off the body unfits both Hindus' and Muslims' religious requisite for the proper last rites). The book drags over the next three chapters accounting the days at war-field and loss of men on both sides. The last two chapters describe the occupation, loot, and riches of the city. The writer admittedly smitten by the grandeur of the city, rebuts the plan to blow off Jama Masjid merely as a rumor (it has been at times theorized that the British had prepared to detonate the masjid unless they were compensated by the Muslim populace for their losses at war); decent book which should be read with skepticism.
Reviews200 is my attempt at documenting the readings I do, without going into too many intricacies; keeping it simple and short, in less than 200 words.
Twilight in Delhi, Ahmed Ali
I probably read of this book in William Dalrymple’s City of Djinns. After much searching around, thanks to Flipkart, I finally got hold of it last weekend. First published in 1940, it was banned by the British for being subversive. But hardly any portion of the book is so and disappointingly, the book is more about a family who are descendents of Mughals than it is about Delhi. But Delhi remains an important character in the background though and the writer’s description of the city is flawless. Surprisingly some of descriptions still can be very closely related to the old Delhi of these times. The writing is poetic and the book serves as an important document revealing the times and culture of city during immediate preceding years to independence. The coronation of King George V in Delhi durbar is well described. Apart from that, there are hardly any descriptions of British in Delhi.
Of so many other things, the British have to be credited again for coming up with the practice of postage stamps. Sir Rowland Hill, knighted for reforming British Postal System, is called Father of Postage Stamps. Prior to postage stamps, postmarks depicting the charges were imprinted and the charges were to be paid by the recipient. Charges, exorbitantly high, were levied according to the distance and number of sheets used. And many a times; the receivers would refuse to pay. Rowland Hill’s famous pamphlet on Postal reforms suggested few novel but presumptuous changes: that charges be levied according to weight rather than distance; that postage be paid beforehand by the sender. For pre-payment of the postage, he suggested that small adhesive pieces of paper of various denominations be used those could be affixed on the postal materials. His proposals were accepted in 1839 amid skepticism and thus were stamps born.
An exhibition cover commemorating Sir Rowland Hill
Postal correspondence increased dramatically by over cent per cent in the first few months and in 1840, the world’s first postage stamps were introduced: Black Pennnies. They were imperforated. The system was a success and later replicated in various colonies of British and over the world. Stamps were first introduced in India in the province of Sindh in the year 1852. Scinde Dawks, as they were called, were of ½ Anna denominations each and were the first stamps to be used in Asia. These became obsolete in the year 1854 and were succeeded by Red Lithos of ½ Anna, 1 Anna, 2 Anna, and 4 Anna which could be used throughout British India. Red Lithos derived their name from the printing technology used, namely: lithography and were printed and designed in Calcutta. Present day India stamps are printed at Nashik Security Press.
The system of stamps was soon replicated in all the British colonies. The British stamps did not have name of the country imprinted — a tradition which continues to this day. Mostly the stamps would feature the face of the ruling queen or king of the British Empire. At the end of colonialism, several themes, important events, celebrities, monuments, flora and fan una et cetera were incorporated. Philately first emerged as a hobby in Germany. Britain, Germany and China caboast of most number of philately enthusiasts. Philately, once a passion restricted to elite, is now gaining prominence among everyone.
Black Pennies, 1840
Red Litho, 1854
Some important terms related to philately:
Definitive Stamps: are the general purpose stamps which one usually gets at postal counters. They are printed in bulk and are of cheaper paper and ink quality. They are printed over longer period of time. They are usually smaller in size.
India: First definitive Series
Commemorative Stamps: are used to commemorate important events of significance, important personalities, national resources et cetera. They are bigger in size, of glossy finishing, and of better paper and ink quality.
First Commemorative Stamps of India: Independence Series, 1947
Proofs: are samples of stamps prior to their printing, to check the quality of ink and design at various stages of production. Proofs are usually taken on hard cover of white paper and are dried and check-tested for results.
Proof to check the ink
Essays: are various designs of proposed stamps submitted to postal authorities. Not all essays are used. They are usually altered to better the quality of ink and design.
Essays to check various designs
Fiscals/Revenue: stamps are stamps used to taxation or bureaucratic purposes. If postal stamps are used, they’ll bear different cancellations.
Fiscal Stamps
Cancellations: the cancellation marks used on stamps. Various different types of cancellations are used and the value of stamps may depend upon the type of cancellation on it.
Used: stamps which are cancelled. Used stamps are usually of more significance to philatelists.
Mint: stamps which are not used. They gum is usually preserved else may decrease the value of stamp.
Watermark: the paper used to print stamps bears a watermark which can be seen against any light source. Same stamps may be printed on different watermark papers thus differentiating the value of stamps.
Catalogue: a book containing details of stamps in chronological order and stating the importance, valuations, and intricate details about stamps. Catalogues published by Stanley Gibbons are most widely used as a standard reference to valuations.
Denomination/Face-value: the value of stamps printed on it.
Catalogue-value: the value of stamps printed in a catalogue.
Perforations: are the holes punched to make the separation of stamps easy.
Perforation Gauge: is used to measure the perforation of the stamps. Same design of stamps may be printed with different perforation values.
Perforation Gauge
Gutters: are hardly used these days. These are spaces between blocks of perforated stamps to make separation of stamps easy.
A Gutter Block
Dyes: the die used to print stamps. Same stamps are sometimes printed using different dyes.
Shades: are again little color variations used to print the same design of stamps.
Maximum cards: are the post cards of the same design as stamps with the stamp pasted and cancelled on the picture sides, on the date of release of stamp. These are usually sold to philately enthusiasts.
A Maximum Card
First Day Covers: are colorful envelops on the theme of stamp with the stamp affixed an cancelled on the date of release; again targeted towards stamp collectors.
A First Day Cover
O.H.M.S: abbreviation of On His Majesty’s Service. Cancellations on government stationary during the time of British Empire.
OHMS
Omnibus: issue of stamps of the same or nearly same design by more than one country; usually, in the times of British Empire.
Omnibus: Same design of stamps used for different Commonwealth Nations
Specimens: are stamps sent to various postmasters across the countries to be used as reference so that forgeries and fake stamps can be avoided. They have ‘SPECIMEN’ imprinted on them.; practiced mostly in the times of British Empire.
Specimen
Hinges: are small gummed pieces of paper used to affix stamps on sheets by stamp collectors. Hinged stamps are valued lesser than unhinged ones.
Hinges
Mounts: are transparent plastic covers used to protect stamps from external environment and affix them on collector’s sheets.
Mounts
Tongs: are tweezers used to handle stamps as using hands may affect the design and gum parameters.
Tongs
Overprints: are texts printed on stamps. Princely states in India would use the British stamps with the name of their state overprinted on it. A country’s stamps may be overprinted for use in abroad.
Pairs: two stamps which are un-separated.
Square: a square block of stamps; usually four.
Stock album: An album with plastic strips to hold stamps.
A Stamp Stock Album
Some of the most famous stamps:
British Guyana 1 cent Magneta, 1856:
Said to be the most famous and rare of all the stamps by philatelist. Only one of its kinds is known to exist today. Several controversies surrounding the originality of the stamp, its estimated price (Stanley Gibbon catalogue price) is more than one and a half million pounds.
Mauritius “Post Office”, 1847:
These stamps have legendary status among philately enthusiasts. Instead of imprinting “Post Paid”, erroneously, “Post Office” was printed. This error was corrected in later issues. The design was inspired from ‘Black Pennies’. Estimated price: one million pounds.
InvertedHead Four Annas, India 1854:
It is an error variety of first lithos of India. The head of the Queen was mistakenly printed upside down. A few of such survive including one in the Govt. of India collection, New Delhi.
Scinde Dawks, 1852:
First stamps of Asia.
Black Pennies, 1840:
First stamps of the world.
Inverted Jenny, US, 1918:
Image of the aero plane was accidently printed upside down. Estimated price: half a million dollars.
Mahatma Gandhi, Rs 10, “Service” Overprint, 1948:
The Rs. 10 stamp was among the commemorative stamps issued on Gandhi and was for a brief period a hundred stamps were used as revenue stamps by Rajagopalachari, Governor of India. Later, it was observed that commemorative stamps should not be used as revenue stamps. Only eight such stamps survive. Forgeries of ‘Service’ overprint are known to exist.
Azad Hind Series:
Stamps designed in Nazi Germany for Subhash Chandra Bose's. These were un-perforated and never used (after unsuccessful attempt by the army to get freedom).
